Suicide, it is a word that touches you deep down, making chills come to the surface, tears overwhelming the eyes. It's a constant reminder of life lost to an illness that this world denies being a disease. 123 lives are taken each and everyday, families lose loved ones, parents lose children, children lose parents, friends lose friends, an epidemic that is at an all time high.
Taking it all in, Soulfully Rooted is one of my biggest dreams coming to life, being able to spread the message of suicide and help reach others, but it's also one of the hardest battles to uproot to the surface. It’s a constant reminder/battle of the absence of my best friend, birth mother, care giver, support system.Then telling the world that they are not alone, and coming clean about my suicide struggles, the darkest moments, turning it into a walking testimony. My purpose in life is to help and reach the world one soul at a time.
My story is mainly talking about losing two beautiful women, Kristen Northam & Blair James to mental illness and overcoming my battle of suicide.
My Mother, Kristen Vernell Northam, passed January 3rd, 2016, found in her vehicle with a dryer hose taped from her tail pipe to her back window; cause of death was carbon monoxide poisoning. Leaving three children, McKina, Karigan, and Chantz behind. It was like the world stopped spinning, a knife dug straight into your heart thinking why, how, blaming yourself. Abandonment, neglect, depression setting in, like a big black cloud hovering over you making everything in your life disappear. Knowing I finally had my mom back in my life for a short period of time and boom it was gone, just like that. Thinking there is no way past this, seeing no more light at the end of the tunnel. Mentally not knowing it wasn't you. It's a constant inner battle, I couldn't face alone, knowing I had to be strong, the anxiety the depression the cloud needed to disappear. God had a plan for me bigger than I could see at that time but had to trust my faith. Yes there were days i struggled, would bury it with work, or anything that would numb the pain. Not being able to truly mourn because I knew I had an innocent child, that was struggling right along side of me, created built up anxiety and anger. Word on the block is time heals everything, but boy does time bring back tears and replay of the missed holidays, birthdays, and just everyday moments.
Fast forward almost three years, received a text from a friend asking about my childhood best friend, Blair James. I remember the exact moment and exact location, sitting in the Walmart parking lot. My phone dropped, like this had to be all a bad dream, two women that had been family, blood, my life, gone just like that. All I could think of is my second family, that I grew up with since I was three years old running around at the lake, riding four wheelers in the back yard, seeing who could do the best trick off the diving board, or who could sneak past Mammam without waking her up during her nap, and the one person I created the best memories with. All I could ask is the question why? My mom and now the one girl that knew all my secrets growing up, the family that helped keep me in my faith growing up. The family that I could run to when times were tough at home and knew what to say even if they couldn't cure the problem - they knew how to put a band-aid on it.
Mental illness brings fourth depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and more. It’s something the world needs to put in the limelight and realize it’s a true disease, it’s not something that goes away without a fight. It’s a constant battle with the devil, it’s like having two people on your shoulders fighting about who’s going to win you over that day. And once you think you defeat the devil he comes back to kill and destroy. But that doesn't mean throw in the towel. Keep fighting. God sent his son to fight our battles every single day. Don't keep hiding your true self; everyone is fighting something. Don't let fear override your battles. God didn't give you the storm if he knew you wouldn't make it through the storm.
Fighting it for years now, and giving myself to God wholly and fully trusting him, has been a tough road but one of the most beautiful journeys knowing I have God, the son of God, the Messiah, in my corner every second of everyday. For anyone reading this and needs someone to talk to or who just needs words of wisdom, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Always know you are going to stumble but it’s not the end of the journey. Trust your faith. You can and you will overcome.
Soulfully Rooted is dedicated and rooted to stop this horrific epidemic, one soul at a time. To give back and help those in need, and let them know they are not alone. Also, to keep the legacy of Kristen and Blair alive, with our story and message will help build a pack of #warr;ors. Thank you all for the love and support, I hope this helps join the team to complete the mission ahead.
Chief of Soulfully Rooted Foundation.